I was under the false impression that resilience alluded to the strength required to withstand. A functional definition on wikipedia set it right:
Resilience in psychology is the positive capacity of people to cope with stress and adversity. This coping may result in the individual “bouncing back” to a previous state of normal functioning, or using the experience of exposure to adversity to produce a “steeling effect” and function better than expected (much like an inoculation gives one the capacity to cope well with future exposure to disease). Resilience is most commonly understood as a process, and not a trait of an individual.
Emotional resilience refers to the process of bouncing back, not being affected by circumstances or situations. A related term is 'coping strategy.' We incorporate mechanisms, strategies to overcome unpleasant situations. These could be walls built up for defence or other more positive ways of dealing with the bitterness or anger. A few suggestions on how to bounce back (from - CNN: Blaming others can ruin your heart)
Resilience in psychology is the positive capacity of people to cope with stress and adversity. This coping may result in the individual “bouncing back” to a previous state of normal functioning, or using the experience of exposure to adversity to produce a “steeling effect” and function better than expected (much like an inoculation gives one the capacity to cope well with future exposure to disease). Resilience is most commonly understood as a process, and not a trait of an individual.
Emotional resilience refers to the process of bouncing back, not being affected by circumstances or situations. A related term is 'coping strategy.' We incorporate mechanisms, strategies to overcome unpleasant situations. These could be walls built up for defence or other more positive ways of dealing with the bitterness or anger. A few suggestions on how to bounce back (from - CNN: Blaming others can ruin your heart)
1. Gripe for a while
"Give yourself time to vent and get it out of your system," suggests Dr. Maryann Troiani, co-author of the book Spontaneous Optimism.
2. Watch the news
Frederic Luskin, director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, tells his embittered patients to think about how many others have had bad things happen to them.
"I ask people to watch the news for a day, or read the paper, or go to work and talk to people, and they'll see that others have suffered and this is just a part of life," says Luskin, author of the book "Forgive for Good."
3. Consider confronting the person who's hurt you
Troiani says some of her patients have found solace in doing this. Other times, however, it can backfire.
"Some ex-spouses are real psychopaths, and hunting them down can be disastrous," she says. "They'll just connive and twist things around and blame you."
If that's your situation, try writing a letter to the person and reading it to a trusted friend, she suggests.
4. Realize you're only harming yourself
Keep reminding yourself of the all the physical harm you're doing yourself by remaining bitter.
"I tell my patients, take care of this bitterness now, or in five years it will haunt you in the form of chronic headaches, fatigue, arthritis, and backaches," Troiani says.
5. Consider the other person's mental state
Author Maya Angelou has every reason to feel bitter. Raped as a child, then overwhelmed with guilt when her rapist, an uncle, was murdered by another family member, she was mute for several years. Still, she says she never felt bitterness toward her attacker.
"Although he was a child molester and abused me, I never hated him, and I'm glad of that," she says. "What I realized is that people do what they know to do -- not what you think they should know."
As an adult, she's continued that mind-set.
"If someone hurts my feelings or hurts me in any way, I think, 'This dummy, that's all he knew,' and I'm not going to carry this bitterness around with me. I will not give it a perch. I will not give it a place to live in me because I know that's dangerous."